Updated: Jun 12, 2019
Yes. Dating with PCOS (Post Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) has been a whirlwind of secrets and disappointments. Fears of hormonal and weight fluctuations, possible infertility and moody flare ups doesn't exactly summon the fish of the sea to swim upon my seashore.
Men and women are admittedly attracted to my seemingly stoic nature, resilience and work ethic. However, when I show my shadows of abandonment wounds and early childhood trauma during my dark times, even though I overcompensate with my support during their tough times, they run in the opposite direction toward the Promised Land where emotional labor is not a necessary thing.
In spite of the logical promises I make to myself to let it go when the relationship has reached its end on the old town road and my endless energy and support is not reciprocated and can't ride no more, I betray my own promises and dignity. I spazz. I cry. I beg. I cling to hope of the personal relationships crippled by my PTSD making something out of nothing. Emotional rollercoasters that amount to nothing but heartache, 808s laced car karaoke, creative endeavors and loneliness. There's a reason music buffs love the heartbroken Mary J Blige music compared to the healed Just Mary.
Creativity serves as the liquid gold of a Queen Midas' touch flow through the cracks of an ebony ceramic heart shaped pot. Written word and music serve as my masquerade mask to the world where I try to affirm myself daily that it's ok NOT to be OK. Whether single or taken... Whether I heal from PCOS and PTSD or not... Wounded Healers of the World... Somebody has to love you baby. OH OH Ohhhhh SOMEBODY LOVES YOU BABY
Ensure that that somebody is yourself first and foremost . Make sure self love is your foundation. When you date, set your cards on the table. Early and honestly. Don't fear their reaction. Call a spade a spade. Stick to your nonnegotiables of communication, emotional support, counseling and provision. Don't settle for cheap placeholder love. You are NOT OVARYacting. You are NOT your past wounds. You are everything and everything is you. You are EVERY woman. The hero and the villain. The victor and the victim. Keep that same energy and wait until someone matches your fly. Choose wisely.